Saturday, January 3, 2009

Gotta be strong but I'm really hurting now that you're gone

If you could be in my life like you've been on my mind, it'd be so easy.

I don't know when you'll get to see this or whether you will or not, I am still gonna let this bubble of angst out of me. You wanna know why was I so fucking pissed off today? Let me tell you why. Things she did, things she said, things she asked for, things she casually mentioned, things she bought for you, things about her, things you both did together - what do you forget? Things we did, things we went through, things we had, things we said, things we promised, things we agreed on, places we went, things I bought for you, things you bought for me, things about me, things about the two of us - what do you remember?

I am sensitive to lies. I am allergic to liars.
If you are in love with her already, you fucking tell me so I distance myself away from you. Don't make me like a fool, doing all these for you out of love, out of because-it's-you-I-am-doing-for. I took everything, I took it down. Your cold treatment, you talking endlessly about "my friend" which is obviously her, you being all ignorant about my feelings, you pretending like the past never took place. What the hell is this. Have I not had enough, have I not taken enough shit from you. Or is it because you suffered more pain than I ever did because remember you said I deserve to get hurt right now, that the pain I am feeling is "bullshit", is nothing compared to how much pain you felt back then? I couldn't thank you enough for piercing these words right through my throbbing wounded heart. I'm sorry that I remember exactly what you said, I can't seem to forget them. It's just the same like how you can't put away that fucking incident. It is not like I can forget that either. Us crying in the fucking room and when asked if we're both ok, we said yeh yeh we are & all drama. You think I can forget? You fucking think so? No way.. If you can't, what makes you think that I can? I hurt you, I was also hurting myself.

Sometimes I wish I had the same amount of courage to tell you everything that I wanted to say like how I did to * but I just can't. Even if I was talking to * at one convo, and you on the other, I just can't. I don't have that courage as I have to *. You wanna know why? Because I really like what we have now though I go through all these pain all the time with you. I don't want what we have right now to go into nothing at all. Maybe you'd like to, that's why your cold treatment. I don't know. If you think this is the way to, go ahead and tell me. Come right up to me, in this fucking face & say it. Seek closure already. Stop dragging it on 'cos I'm fucking suffocating here while I'm treating you like the damn king.

And everything I do, I do it for you. I cannot stop repeating this to myself, because it keeps me going whenever you do or say something that makes me wanna give up. I'm giving up my fucking savings account, just for your fucking party. Just so you don't dwell on the thought that you're turning big two. I guess it is not good enough for you. Just yet?

P/s: Thank you for the present. I know you chose, you paid half for it. I know you did & I'm fucking overjoyed about it. I was happy when I got it, thinking it was from x but only to know that you chose it & I love it and you paid half for it, it just made me happier. Nothing special but y'know what made it special? Because it is from you, you chose it & other than your devoted undivided love & attention, it is your first gift to me. Thank you, I love you xx

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