By the time you read this, I hope to be dead.

You can't undo something that's happened; you can't take back a word that's already been said out loud. You'll think about me and wish that you had been able to talk me out of this. You'll try to figure out what would have been the one right thing to say, to do.

I guess I should tell you, "Don't blame yourself; this isn't your fault." But that would be a lie. We both know that I didn't get here by myself. You'll cry, at my funeral. You'll say it didn't have to be this way. You will act like everyone expects you to. But will you miss me? More importantly, will I miss you?

Does either one of us really want to hear the answer to that question?

You know, it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.

3am, you're fast asleep in your cozy bed. Here I am, thinking of all the things you said and done & crying myself silly until I feel better, until I fall asleep. The whole episode since a month ago 'til now, it left me empty, disappointed & upset. This fight is not over. I wish it'd be over soon or right now because I'm exhausted. I'm tired of feeling tired.

What happened?
What happened to us?
What is it that changed?
What was it that I did that ruined the happiness?

I wished I was loved by someone the way I love you. I wanna know how it feels like, how fortunate or painful it is to be with me. Is it so fortunate that you forgot I'm human? Is it so painful that it snaps easily, the sound of my name made you think if it is worth to stay?

I've fought, I've tried, I've cried, I've done almost everything I could ever think of to show you I am worth it. I am much worthy than those trashy girls you told me about, than that girl sitting in fifth row in class that you told me is pretty.

Been wanting to cry so bad & when the song Need You Now by Lady Antebellum played, tears started running like a tap.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk, and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.


I dare not think about the years. I just want to be happy in 5 days.

:(

Maid, Aunty Edna is leaving. She's in the living room reading the papers with her usual morning coffee. I'm in the room, tearing away at the thought of her not being with us anymore from today onwards.

It didn't felt that real until just now when I realized as the time is ticking away, the lesser time we have with her. I was upset when her tickets were confirmed but I kept telling myself that it is not time yet, I shouldn't be too bothered about it. Now that the time has come, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I just wish we had more time with her, and that she will not leave us forever. How selfish am I to think of that? Sigh..

I'm old enough to think, unlike Zel. Aunty's family needs her more than anything else. And if at that time she was given a choice, she wouldn't leave her family to work overseas at all. I kept telling myself to think positively, maybe the new maid isn't that bad either? (though we can't stop talking about how bad she is since she came :x)

People come and go in our lives, and some leave on a bad note, while some stays in your heart no matter how far the distance may be between the two of us. And I know no matter where I may be, or where I'll go, a piece of Aunty will be with me <3

If you ever find this someday Aunty, I love you. I don't know why I still can't say that to you in your face but please know that I do. I always have, and I always will. I hope your children will start to treasure you like the way we do, appreciate what you have been doing for them the past years. Thank you Aunty, for being in my life and a part of our little family :)


P/s: you'll always have us ♥

You swallow your sleep & wake up in the morning to find out you are not who you used to be

Intensive studying starts today.

Went Vivo City with bff & Chrissy to study. Had Long John Silver for lunch, om nom nom! Damn happy to be eating ljs 'cos I haven't had it in a long while. Couldn't find proper seat at Starbucks 'cos their tables are round, and it's very difficult for the tree of us to study together on a round table so I suggested Gloria Jeans. I remembered Jemi & I went there to study once without getting anything & they didn't chase us away! Went there, bought ice latte & it sucks :x I NEED ICE BLENDED CARAMEL :(

 

 

 

 

 

 

Union heels spotted in JUICE magazine! :D

Left the place at around 7ish. Headed to Superdog for dinner!! Hahaha my virgin try ^^ it's damn good. I love the chilli fries. I had cheeseburger, bff had chicken burger & Chrissy had the hotdog! Definitely going back for more :) Thanks Chrissy for the recommendation!

 

 

My cheeseburger!

Chrissy hahahaha

They two = <3

Mom & dad are planning a trip to Bangkok & bff's gonna tag along! I hope the talk with her mom will go well.. I AM DAMN EXCITED & SCARED & NERVOUS :( If she can't come, I'll be damn sad. Cannot wait for her to get back to me!

Off to study, toodles! :>