Wednesday, January 14, 2009

There's nothing I can say, nothing I can do to bring you back again

It's only 11pm and I'm getting sleepy. Guess I'll have an early night after this. Really need a lot a lot of rest. One blow is enough. But today, two came & knocked me down. It is too much..too much for me to take.

Oh thanks, even my horoscope is so negative today.

Your Horoscope Today : 14 Jan 2009
You will be involved in some unexpected new learning experiences today. Every turn in life teaches you something new, so make sure you learn something valuable from whatever challenges life throws at you today. Since you naturally love to gain experience and knowledge you will find yourself thoroughly enjoying this experience. All the best!

Unexpected new learning experiences. Teaches me something new. I wonder what is it. Two most unexpected things happened today. So which is which?

"They are together already!"
"No la, kidding, they are not"
"Yeh they are together already! Having sex now"
"No I don't think they are together la"
"Eh you think _ poke her already?"
"I think they are together la. Where got suddenly so close"

"Fuck you la, can you stop it already she's having a hard enough time can!?"
"Don't believe what he say ok, it's just nonsense. They are not together, they are soooo not together ok don't be upset ok chillllllllllllll ok sister"

So..who am I supposed to place my bet on? When I saw what I saw, I told myself it was illusion. Just imagination. Nothing else. But the harder I thought of it, the more it seems like all these isn't a dream at all. I couldn't help it, I had to let it out so I just cut into their convo and blurted it out.

Not wrong, I guess. I just merely said what I saw, what I chose to think isn't the truth but it really did happened. I cannot pretend like it didn't, that it was nothing 'cos it is not. And that, led to the whole possible truths conversation. I was numbed. Very stoned, with nothing in my head but thoughts. Hell lot of thoughts and thoughts of you.

I really wonder if you're happy now. I read through every texts you sent me that was kept in my inbox, and they still make smile as silly as before. How happy you get when you know you're gonna see me tomorrow, how either one of us would count down to the hours before we see each other again, how we would anticipate for another fun filled day out just the two of us together. The amount of sweet nothings, almost enough to cause someone diabetes. The way you constantly remind me that someone out there loves me too, someone out there would be there for me through the storms, someone out there would rush to my side once they got the cue to come to be here for me, someone out there wants me the way I want them, someone out there is willing to do anything to make me happy, someone out there is looking out for me & wishes nothing but the best for me.

Should I say I was fucking naive to think "I'll chase you ok ?" was not a lie, but came from the bottom of your heart? But darling, I chose to believe you. I used to say a prayer wishing you were here & I'm still waiting.

Please don't disappoint me, don't disappoint us.

It's so easy to hurt others when you can't feel the pain you're putting them through. You can put simple words together without knowing that it pricked, it hurt, it stabbed someone's heart right through. I don't blame you. Not at all. I don't even ask for anything. Even if we really have to put the whole affair aside, I still won't blame you. I understand what you're going through, and I know it is hard on you. But when you said what that hurt the most, my face got teary. I was tearing, then crying very hard. I'm trying, my hardest. I don't ask for anything in return. Not even appreciation this time. I'm giving in, a lot more. Even if it is my limit already, I will still keep going on. Even if I'm not the giving in sort, I will try to give in as much as I can.

No one would understand why, no one would be able to tell either.

And because you're worthy.

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