I want to take you far from the cynics in this town & kiss you on the mouth

Mom, i had enough. i am sorry i am not as capable as you want me to be, not as smart as the way she is, not a good sister as the way she is, not as pretty as the way she can be. i am not in any way jealous of her, to be downright honest. i am not envious either. we had this talk for a million and oneth time but you just wouldn't let it into your head that we are all fucking different. we have our own individual differences and we are special and talented in our own ways. this probably isn't the way you want me to be but mom, i am who i am.
at the age of 19, i've never smoked. i've never slept around. i've never been through an abortion. i've never fucked a guy or let a guy fuck me. i never had one night stands and contagious kisses. i never had a proper boyfriend, excluding the girlfriends you know of. i never gave you huge ass problems. i never went to girls' home. i never commited a crime. i was never in probation. i was never a problem kid. other than all of these that most parents would ask for in their child, what do you want from me? to be able to earn my own income, to be as pretty as the way she is, to be as smart as the way she is, to have a boyfriend whom you also agreed that is ugly like her, to be a fucking ah lian, to own an online boutique that sells ugly aunty ah lian clothes. that is what you ask of me, right mom? i'm sorry but that is not me. i am not like that. i am not an ah lian, i am not that material, and i cannot have a boyfriend whom i think is ugly and you also agree with me. i can earn my own income, it is whether i want to or not but you also mentioned to me that you do not want me to juggle between both school and work because you know i cannot manage which is true. i am not pretty like her because she uses at least an inch thick of make up on her face and her lashes are falsies. you know i believe in natural beauty, inner beauty that everyone has and i put on mineral make up, falsies only on special occasions or when i feel like it. i can never be like her because we are two different people and i do not want to be like her.
have you not realised that she's always telling you about how her daughter is so and so, doing this and that? mom, she wants to show you that she has a good daughter and also to show you her daughter is so capable, and that she is happy and all. she is proud of her own daughter. but..are you? i know you are not proud of me, you are not proud of us. i know you'd ask, what is there to be proud of? i may not have done as much as she did to make her mom proud to make you proud but i did things that i was supposed to do and i did not do more than that. i have a passion, i have an interest, i have something that i love so much, i have a lot more of what she didn't have. i was a ballerina, a pianist, a percussionist, a writer, a tuition teacher & a good listener. there's a lot more that i am but i cannot think of right now, i am just bursting with emotions to spill. but all in all, i can say i am relatively good daughter.
well, the main point of typing this out is..sigh mom, stop expecting so much of me. the more you expect of me, the more i keep fighting to get what you want and be who/what you want me to be, the lesser you see of me as myself. and i do not want that to happen. i like who i am. i like the happy pill that people love to see, and when they see me, they feel happy too. i like being glynis. i like making people happy, even if it means making me unhappy. and that is why i keep fighting to keep you as happy as you can be, mom.
but right now, i cannot go on anymore.
i am very exhausted.

know what? i am not tearing. i am not crying either. i am very calm. is it that i've sorted out my thoughts or is it that i have given up?



sorry, i had enough i just had to let it out.
blog later when i'm feeling better.